The one writing here gets tired of nonsense reviews and technorati's Top Search during the last week. It is time to talk about what you all wanted to know, the porn adaptation (not that bad, IMO) for The Da Vinci Code. Enjoy below.

Get ready to unlock the darkest secret in human history...turns out that Leonardo DaVinci used his own cum to paint the Mona Lisa! Or at least that’s what director Jerome Tanner would have you believe as he spoofs one of the best selling novels of all-time with a porn release that is set to launch at the same time that other movie does (you know, the one that has Forrest Gump and Amelie running around Paris).

The Da Vinci Load opens with Frank Bukkwyd and Hailey Paige investigating the death of Claudio Meloni, who has been found naked in a Los Angeles museum shot in the head. On the floor below his body, written in Claudio’s cum, are the words “Teabag Nadia Saint”.

It turns out that Nadia Saint (played by Missy Monroe) is a professor who teaches a class on sexuality and claims that the male orgasm is a path to seeing the true face of God (and I’m sure that anyone who’s been lucky enough to have sex with Missy can vouch for that!). So in The Da Vinci Load’s first sex scene, viewers get to see Missy having sex with two of her students – played by Steve Holmes and Scott Nails. This is a great way to open the movie, as we get to see Missy get anally pounded and double penetrated in several positions before the guys take turns dumping their loads on her face and glasses.

Missy goes to the murder site and has a flashback in her mind when she puts her hands on Claudio’s penis. Claudio apparently had sex with a hooker just moments before his death, and Frank has a pretty good idea who that hooker might be. Meanwhile, it is finally revealed to the home viewer that James Deen is the guy who pulled the trigger on Claudio, and he’s now trying to get payment from those who hired him for the job. James is picked up by an ice cream truck full of hot chicks, including sexy box cover girl Joey Hart, who starts blowing Joey in the back of the truck before taking him back to her place for a couch-fuck that includes missionary, reverse cowgirl and standing doggy. The end of the scene has both James blasting a load into Joey’s face, and the Ice Cream girls blasting a bullet into James!

Frank has tracked down the hooker (played by Tory Lane) and brought her down to the police station for interrogation. Tory relates how she hooked up with Claudio on the night of the murder, and viewers get to see their sizzling pairing in the museum, which features reverse cowgirl, missionary and standing doggy. After depositing his load in Tory’s mouth and face, Claudio is assaulted by James Deen, who shoots him and forces Tory to write the mysterious message on the floor. But we find out that the full message she wrote was “Lee Teabag Nadia Saint” – and that Lee Teabag (played by Evan Stone) is actually a local professor who knows a lot about Leonardo Da Vinci.

It’s at this point in the movie that we discover that Leonardo used his own sperm in the creation of the Mona Lisa, and a mysterious group called “The Priory of Semen” has had James Deen steal the real Mona Lisa in hopes of using the sperm contained on it to clone another Leonardo. Sound complex and convoluted? Well, don’t think about it too much...instead just enjoy the next sex scene, which teams Haley Paige with Evan Stone, and ends with the best pop-shot in the movie, as Evan literally coats Haley’s face with his jizz.

In the final sex scene, we finally catch up with the mysterious Priory, which is an all-girl group led by Eva Angelina. Girl/girl fans should absolutely love this segment, which is a six-girl orgy featuring Eva, Michelle Maylene, Missy Monroe, Hailey Paige, Jasmine Tame and Charlotte Stokely. The action includes plenty of toys (many of them being used anally) and a splash of strap-on use between a few of the ladies.

If there’s a letdown here, it’s that Hustler really could have turned this into a “big budget” release and chose not to. Production values here are about on level with the majority of adult features being released; so don’t expect a lot when it comes to set design, wardrobe, or even some of the acting. However, the sex is good and the story is fun and lighthearted – so if you’re a fan of Dan Brown’s novel or Ron Howard’s movie, you’ll find a lot to enjoy in The Da Vinci Load.